A Song of Steel and Cattle
by maesteroftales
Summary: A Western AU where the Game of Thrones universe is free to fly and anything can happen! Arya/Gendry San/San and Robb/Margaery romances. Gore, blood, and old fashioned Western wit of Tyrion. Yeeeeeha!


Welcome to Westeros Valley! Tucked between the Rockies its a fertile Eden for any who risk settlin here. And when you play the game of of the Valley, you win or you move on to less nice parts. And in some extreme cases, hehe, well you die, boy.

Now everyone knows that the first settlers of the Valley were the Starks. Old Brandon Stark moved his family from Chicago to start raising good cattle to send back. He set up old Winterfell Ranch just south of the big hills we here call "the Wall". Brandon the Builder they called 'im. He built the ranch with his sons and set up a few checkpoint cabins along the Wall to make sure them there Indians, "wildlings" we call em, stay out of our stake. The Starks is tolerable people and show some good old fashioned hospitality. But they're grim so best you don't mess with them or their honor.

Next was the Greyjoys. Now we didn't know where they came from originally but we could tell they weren't good folk. They got caught stealing some of the Stark's cattle and even ended up killin one of their boys. Eventually ol' Brandon decided to put them to rights. He formed a posse with the families who started livin round them and kicked the Greyjoys out. The thieves took to living on a rocky island out in West Lake called Pyke. They do huntin themselves but mostly they steal whatever else they can get. Crazy bastards call it their "iron price".

After the Greyjoys, rolled in the Baratheons. They were strong loggin men who had lived up in Michigan until they heard about the nice untouched trees we had down here. The fellas came with their entire damn family and made themselves a big old wooden house they called Storm's End at the edge of the eastern mountains. They became could friends with the Stark boys and often the two would trade. But its often best that you don't anger a Baratheon. They got strong German blood flowin through their veins. They are friendly enough but push em too far and they make terrible enemies.

Around that time the Martells, a Spaniard family, moved into the southern part of the valley that opened into the deserts down there. They like to keep to themselves with their big family of theirs. But we really like em for their special wine they make in their private vineyards.

Then the fuckin Lannys showed up. Some swindler out of Des Moines callin himself "Lan the Clever" was able to swindle a new family, the Casterlys, out of their nice little home up on a boulder of a hill. Seemed he knew that there was gold in the western mountains and soon he was rich enough to buy more land. He built a small tradin city on the little river that flowed down from West Lake and the fucker named it Lannisport (after himself). Soon he gave himself a last name that was his first name, Lannister. And so the blonde haired fuckers began their little kingdom over there.

Then of course you got the Irish settlers on the Tride River, the Tullys. You also got the mountaineering boys, the Arryns, up in the Vale there to the east. And finally you got the Tyrells down in the Reach Fields. The Tyrells used to own a large plantation down in Georgia before the Civil War but they upped and left before the March to the Sea hit em. Now they set up their Highgarden plantation and put out most of the crops you can eat in the Valley.

Everyone used to govern themselves until some bigwig out of New York named Aegon Targaryen, came down and began to buy out people. He was able to get a nice patch of land between Baratheon territory and the Arryns' claim. He began buildin up a big old town which he gave the fancy name, "King's Landin". He then began declaring that the boys over in Washington D.C. had given him the right to govern the lands as he liked. Well a few of the families didn't take to kindly to that and decided to put him in his place. With shotguns and pitchforks they began to march to King's Landin with the intent of scarin him out of the Valley. But it seemed like he was ready for them. Ya see, the Targaryens were inventors back in New York and made these fancy guns that could load themselves and bombs filled with some fancy-schmancy liquid they called "Wildfire". Aegon and his boys mowed down the families that went up against him, which made the main families decide to accept his governance for the time being.

Now the Targaryens were some queer fellas as in they married their own sisters. They claimed that it was ok since fellas in the Scriptures did it all the fuckin time but they didn't really need to back themselves up with Scripture when they had some deadly weaponry instead. Most Targs were fine to say the least. There were a few that were a little off but they were put to rights by their kin eventually. But then there was Aerys Jr. Targaryen. Now that was a crazy bastard. He didn't care who he offended. He mocked ol' Tywin Lannister, richest man in the Valley, and made his son his private bodyguard. Jaime "the Snake" Lannister is the best shot in the Valley but short on temper sometimes. But the worse happened when Aerys' boy, Rhaegar, decided he wanted the rather purty Lyanna Stark for himself. She was gonna be married to Robert Baratheon but Rhaegar took her and hid her down in the Dorne marches.

Lyanna's dad was sure pissed and he went down with his son, Brandon, to King's Landing and set things to rights. That crazy Aerys burned old Rickard on a bonfire and choked Brandon to death with some crazy contraption. Well that was the last straw. The next Stark boy in line, Ned, gathered up a posse and joined with those of the Arryns, Baratheons, and Tullys. They fought a few skirmishes along the Tride but it was the Lannisters who "won" the little war. Tywin and his boys appeared in King's Landin a few days after a big skirmish at the Tride, killed Rhaegar Targaryen. In a single night, they sacked the town and Jaime put a bullet through old Aerys' eyes.

After that, most of the Targaryens were hunted down and lynched. They say two Targaryen kid's fled toward the Great Plains but we ain't gonna worry about them. They can't do much. In any case old Robert Baratheon took over things at King's Landin and married Tywin's daughter, Cersei. But this peace can't last forever. Things never seem to.


End file.
